Archive - Bev Has All The Answers

I’ve Decided to Use an Hourglass to Tell Time

Please plan accordingly.

Apr 21 •

March 2024

I Was a Prostitute on Facebook Marketplace

The dating site for hoarders.

Mar 31 •

Congratulations On Your Purchase of a Frigidaire Chest Freezer

Say hello to convenience and goodbye to your food!

Mar 24 •

A Note To The Person Who Parked Right Next To Me In An Empty Parking Lot

Really, I’m flattered, but get away from me.

Mar 17 •

I Hate Being Sober

No, I don't "feel better than I've ever felt in my life."

Mar 10 •

Let’s Bring Back The Nervous Breakdown

I want to fall apart glamorously.

Mar 3 •

February 2024

My Husband’s Mistress Sold Her Life Story to The Daily Mail

Let’s talk about that.

Feb 25 •

The One Where I Find Out I’m Adopted

File this under "Incredibly bad timing."

Feb 18 •

My Mom Died and I Found the First Humor Piece I Ever Wrote

See if you can pinpoint the exact moment it goes off the rails.

Feb 11 •

January 2024

The Marketing Genius Behind Cat Litter Ads

Or how to ignore every disgusting thing you know about cats.

Jan 7 •

December 2023

Your Health Insurance Company Explains Why Your Eyes and Teeth Are Not Part of Your Body

We are not obligated to provide coverage for luxury bones.

Dec 31, 2023 •

Please Stop Crying Every Time You See a Clown

It's probably not even evil.

Dec 17, 2023 •

#nojs-banner { position: fixed; bottom: 0; left: 0; padding: 16px 16px 16px 32px; width: 100%; box-sizing: border-box; background: red; color: white; font-family: -apple-system, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif, "Apple Color Emoji", "Segoe UI Emoji", "Segoe UI Symbol"; font-size: 13px; line-height: 13px; } #nojs-banner a { color: inherit; text-decoration: underline; } This site requires JavaScript to run correctly. Please turn on JavaScript or unblock scripts