Welcome to Mattress Universe

Not to be confused with any of the other 12 mattress stores on this block alone!

Good morning, sir, and how are we doing today? I understand you’d like to return your mattress?

Oh, you’re bleeding. Did Sleepy, our corporate mascot, hit you with his spinning cardboard arrow? I’ve got a box of Band-Aids here behind the counter for just such an occasion.

Now, where were we?

Ah, I see the problem. This is a receipt for a queen SlumberMaster mattress from Mattress World. We’re Mattress Universe. It’s an easy mistake to make. Our best-selling mattress is the ComaSleep. Maybe you’ve heard our motto — “Sleep like the dead.”

There’s also a Mastresses-R-Us just around the corner, not to be confused with the Weebee Mattresses on 5th and Lexington. But we’re pretty clearly not Slumber World, Soma City, Sleep Outfitters, PurSleep, Just Mattresses, or the guy selling mattresses out of his van in the mall parking lot.

Sometimes people will wander over from Pound Town looking for a bargain, but they’re really not our sort of people. All those water beds and ceiling mirrors.

If you need to get a permit to reinforce your bedroom ceiling for a sex swing, please, look elsewhere.

And when you try to sell the house, sure, you can take the swing with you, but holes are forever. Even if you fill them with toothpaste, people will know. They’ll know.

Honestly, business has been pretty bad what with all those online pieces of petroleum-based toxic waste posing as mattresses.

Do you want to sleep on a Superfund site, or do you want to sleep on unforgiving steel coils and lumpy cotton batting like nature intended? I’m thinking about floating a new motto past corporate — “Sleep like your grandparents.”

We’re downright artisanal compared to those nasty beds in a bag that take days, days just to stop stinking up your apartment. People have been literally injured opening their mattresses. Who wants that??

One of the most expensive mattresses in the world is stuffed with horsetail hair, as God intended. Sure, it costs $140,000, but you can’t put a price on a good night’s sleep.

I think mattress manufacturers are really going backwards with all the purple and the foam and the whatnot. Personally, I sleep on a burlap sack stuffed with cornhusks. I’m thinking about floating a new motto past corporate — “Sleep like the Pioneers.”

Sure, I’ve had twelve back surgeries and I look like a human cocktail shrimp, but I sleep the sleep of the righteous and I’m confident that my mattress isn’t going to give me spleen cancer.

Sir, where are you going? You didn’t even test drive the ComaSleep! You can’t decide to spend hundreds of dollars on a mattress without at least laying down for two minutes next to four lanes of traffic! And we’ll throw in a free pillow!

Hey, you forgot your receipt! AND TELL SLEEPY HE CAN TAKE HIS BREAK NOW!

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