The Marketing Genius Behind Cat Litter Ads

Or how to ignore every disgusting thing you know about cats.

Just look at that filthy beast. (Photo by Nadezhda Nikolaenko on Unsplash)

I like most animals and I usually attempt to rehome any of the larger undomesticated species, such as wolf spiders, that decide to squat in my house like freeloading relatives.

To be completely honest, the snakes that show up unannounced in various locations, like my bedroom, are sometimes a bridge too far and I have to reunite them with their Maker.

Sssssssorry.

I am extremely up front with everyone I meet that I like dogs more than cats.

I feel this is a quick, efficient way to tell you everything you need to know about me, and that if you’re a cat person, well, there could be problems.

Being a cat person is one step below being a Republican.

Look, I’ve had cats. Not willingly, but still. (I’ve had Republicans, too, but that’s another story.) I’ve done my time. They were good cats and I loved them, but they were still cats.

And cats clearly have issues. Why else would Big Feline spend billions of dollars on ad campaigns meant to convince you that cats aren’t cold-blooded killers that poop in a box inside of the house and then make biscuits on your face with their filthy paws?

Do you know what you see in cat litter ads?

Cats being scientists (complete with lab coat and round glasses).

Cats being a boy band.

I just saw cats in a disco and I think the main dancing cat is supposed to be John Travolta.

Do you know what you see in every dog ad? Dogs being dogs.

You don’t need to pretend that dogs are Robert Oppenheimer in order to forget some hideous truth about them. Dogs don’t need their reputations massaged by million-dollar ad campaigns.

Dogs don’t wake you up just for the heck of it by sticking their chocolate starfish in your face. Dogs wake you up because they need something, just like every other member of your family.

And apparently we’re all just ignoring the whole spit issue.

When you pet a cat, you’re basically petting a giant ball of spit.

People aren’t allergic to cats. People are allergic to cat saliva. And you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting somebody who’s allergic to cats. Why are we cohabitating with a creature that makes half the population all snotty and itchy? And who, by the way, will eat us if we seem even the littlest bit dead.

People who say they’re allergic to dogs are clearly liars and not to be trusted. Nobody is allergic to God’s greatest gift to mankind.

Yes, dogs are more important than fire. Prove me wrong.

And don’t even get me started on hairless cats. You people are sick. You might as well adopt a porkchop and carry it around.

I will admit that the Serengeti cat and the other weird, mini leopard-like breeds of housecat are cool and I’d get me one of those.

If something has to eat me, at least let it be something cool.