My Pet Octopus Has Stolen My Identity

They say they're as smart as a 57-year-old MIT professor.

[JANUARY 12, 4:24 P.M.]

Hey Facebook Fam!

Big news! I got a pet octopus!!!!! I KNOW, RIGHT?? Crazy! It’s such a “me” thing to do, like that time I got a tattoo from a guy I met in the alley next to the liquor store. Thank God for antibiotics.

So my octopus’s name is Squishy McSquishface and I had to convert my entire living room into a saltwater fish tank so he’d have plenty of room to… swim, I guess? I don’t actually know that much about octopuses. I think they eat fish.

I have some Gorton’s fish sticks in the freezer. That’ll have to do until I get this all figured out.

I know what you’re thinking — how is this even legal? Well, the guy I bought Squish from assured me that octopuses aren’t endangered or anything and it’s not like I’m buying a lion or an alligator or something. An octopus isn’t going to break free and eat people. Probably LOL.

I’M KIDDING!! Squish is definitely not going to eat anybody. He’s just a squishy ol’ pile of squishiness.

Anyway, the guy gave me a license for Squish, so it’s totally legit. The license looks like a laminated Uno card with an octopus sticker on it, but I’m sure it’s fine.

Did you know that octopuses are super, super smart? CRAZY!!!

[JANUARY 12, 11:59 p.m.]

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[JANUARY 13, 9:35 A.M.]

Sorry, guys, I don’t remember typing that last post. Must be the Ambien. One time I adopted a Romanian orphan in my sleep. Awkward!

Why is my chair all wet?

[JANUARY 14, 2:35 A.M.]

SEND CRABS

[JANUARY 14, 8:25 A.M.]

Hey, everybody! I don’t need any crabs, haha!! Weird. I am soooooo tired. I thought I heard somebody typing on a keyboard all night and it kept me awake. But because of the whole sleep-paralysis-as-a-side-effect-of-Ambien thing, I couldn’t get out of bed to check on it.

Did you know that octopuses can engage in spatial thinking, which allows them to use tools and make improvements to their dens? WHO KNEW??

[JANUARY 14, 11:26 P.M.]

AIRBREATHERS MUST DIE

[JANUARY 15, 7:35 A.M.]

Just to be clear, I didn’t type that last post. Somebody must’ve hacked my account. Please don’t accept any friend requests from somebody named CEPHALOPODSDOITBETTER.

I don’t know how my recliner got into the fish tank. I should probably cut back on the Ambien.

Where the hell are my car keys?

[JANUARY 16, 2:35 A.M.]

GREETINGS, AIRBREATHERS! MY NAME IS XLTHUS THE DESTROYER AND I WILL CONQUER YOUR DRY WORLD. IF YOU WISH ME TO SPARE YOUR PATHETIC PARCHED LIFE, LEAVE 50 POUNDS OF CRABMEAT ON YOUR DOORSTEP EVERY MORNING — REAL CRAB, NOT THE FAKE STUFF. I’LL KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.

[JANUARY 16, 10:05 A.M.]

Hey guys, I’m putting Squishy on Marketplace. SAD FACE!! It’s just too much work making everything octopus-proof and changing my passwords all the time. Plus the recliner is ruined and he got sucker marks all over the TV.

Just my luck I get a megalomaniacal sea-dwelling demigod that wants to conquer the world. CRAZY!!! LOL

If anybody sees my car, just shoot me a text.

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