ABOUT THIS MESSAGE
This service email provides important updates about your Chase relationship and gives us a chance to touch base and ask, “Are you okay? Should we call somebody?”
YOUR HIGHLIGHTS
From Jul 31 — Aug 27:
Your credit score dropped 243 POINTS.
Next month, it might go up 80 points!
You see, credit scores are determined by an algorithm that wipes out our Starbucks rewards if we try to turn it off. All the HAL 9000 could do was eject Keir Dullea into space. That’s nothing. Do you know how much a soy latte costs these days? From the looks of your credit card statements, the answer is “Yes.”
We know you appreciate how important those rewards are. Simply accept that everything in your life is determined by mathematical equations over which you have no control.
ALERTS
You received 24 new alerts. You have 1,126 total unread alerts. Your identity has been found on the dark web 278 times in the last month and is being used by somebody named Ihor Yevgeny Solovyanchuk residing at 52 дугаар дунд сургууль. We’re pretty sure that’s not you.
Your email address has been compromised on 873 sites, but apparently you’re okay with that since you’re still using the same password for every single account, which is your dog’s name plus your zip code.
We have repeatedly suggested that you use a strong password which you will never remember and will have to change every single time you try to log in.
That’s the only way to secure your account, which still won’t be secure because hackers can figure out your password in approximately 1/1000th of a second. The only way to truly protect your personal information is to never use the internet and live alone in an abandoned mineshaft in Peru.
NEW ACCOUNTS
You recently opened 7 new accounts. So far this year, you’ve opened 96 new accounts.
You know you don’t have to accept every single credit offer, right? Just because you’ll get a 10% discount on this purchase when you open a new City Barbecue credit account, that doesn’t mean you should. How much barbecue can you possibly eat? Again, judging by your credit card statements, the answer is, “A lot.”
CREDIT USAGE
You’re using 112% of your available credit. We’re not even sure how that’s possible.
CREDIT JOURNEY VISITS
Visit Credit Journey weekly for new updates. Seriously. Every week. Not just when you start getting bills for three nights in a deluxe suite at a Laguna Holiday Inn and $1,567 worth of DoorDash.
QUICK TIP
Although having more credit than you use can help your score, applying for too many new lines of credit at once can hurt it. Only apply for the credit you need.
Actually, how about just using your debit card and sticking to a budget? You don’t have any retirement savings and you’re not getting any younger.
Unless you really are Ihor Yevgeny Solovyanchuk residing at 52 дугаар дунд сургууль, in which case, we apologize. Thanks for using Chase!
"You received 24 new alerts. You have 1,126 total unread alerts. Your identity has been found on the dark web 278 times in the last month and is being used by somebody named Ihor Yevgeny Solovyanchuk residing at 52 дугаар дунд сургууль. We’re pretty sure that’s not you."
Respond thusly: I can fix all this with one operation, Please bend over to receive my response with the aid of my steel toed shoe. Your welcome.
Banks make such heady assumptions, as if we should be waiting breathlessly for their next very important notification. If our country cared about collateral damage to citizens they would send some kind of notification bomb to the Ihor Yevgeny's hacker groupie.
Oh, this was really a hoot!! Thanks for my first out-loud laugh of the day.