Congratulations On Your Purchase of a Frigidaire Chest Freezer
Say hello to convenience and goodbye to your food!
Congratulations on your purchase of a Frigidaire chest freezer! Families dreamed about owning this beauty in the 1950s. Husbands would bring one home to their wives and they’d make whoopee for the first time in months. It was a real panty-dropper.
Now it just means you can’t afford a self-defrosting upright freezer, but you still need someplace to store 18 Lean Cuisines, a tub of generic ice cream, and a package of chicken thighs that you will never, ever use.
Thanks to Frigidaire’s state-of-the-art technology, whichever food item you’re looking for will always be on the bottom!
And while you unpack the entire freezer looking for the frozen fish sticks your kid is having a meltdown about upstairs (Surprise! You don’t have any!), say hello to that ham bone you were going to use to make soup.
Greet each other like the long-lost friends that you are, because you haven’t seen this ham bone since 2018. When was the last time you even made soup from scratch?
That’s right. Never.
But you still put in the effort to pop that leftover ham bone into a Ziplock baggie and chuck it into the chest freezer, which is the food equivalent of staying in a bad marriage.
You can’t let the food go, but you also never want to see the food again.
Oh, look! It’s a mystery bag full of ice and something red you can’t really see because of all the ice. What could it be? Cherries? Strawberries? Your kid’s science project? A human head?
It’s strawberries! See, wasn’t that fun?
But wait, the mystery isn’t solved yet! What year did you freeze those strawberries?
Oh, you didn’t write a date on the bag because you were sure you’d make something delicious and nutritious within the next few weeks using those fresh, juicy strawberries that you picked with your own two hands at a pick-your-own patch in the blazing sun with sweat stinging your eyes and your lower back screaming at you like a New York cabbie?
HAHAHA!
Those strawberries are older than your favorite pair of underwear and they both need to go in the garbage.
Always, always, always write the date on the bag.
Not just when you have a marker handy.
Not just when it’s something expensive like pork tenderloin that you got on sale and it wasn’t really all that expensive, and you’re sure you’ll remember when you bought it because how often do you even buy pork tenderloin?
That was four years ago. Remember that time is an abstract concept and has no meaning.
That pork tenderloin is so freezer burned, hyenas wouldn’t eat it.
Homemakers in the 1950s loved chest freezers because they read magazines that told them 15 different ways to make a tasty dinner for their family using only hotdogs, one carrot, and a box of lime Jell-O.
They needed someplace to store all those hotdogs.
Your Frigidaire chest freezer will need to be defrosted every time you open the lid because there is no God.
The only way to defrost your chest freezer is to take out all the frozen food and just leave it on the floor at room temperature for a few hours while the ice in the chest freezer melts.
Because if you had room for all of that frozen food someplace else while you defrosted the chest freezer YOU WOULDN’T NEED A GODDAMN CHEST FREEZER, NOW WOULD YOU??
Here’s a tip when defrosting your Frigidaire chest freezer.
Don’t.
Just drag it out to the curb and leave it there. Let all the freon or whatever the fuck makes a freezer cold seep out into the atmosphere and destroy the planet, because a civilization that would invent a monstrosity like a chest freezer doesn’t deserve to exist.
Putting food in a zipper-equipped plastic bag before freezing is the most effective way to dehydrate it to the extent that it could be used in space. Every trip to Costco ends with an offering for the freezer, in the hope it will sustain us when the apocalypse comes (or has it already?). The irony, of course, is that when the power goes, as it must, we'll be lucky to have anything that's actually edible.
I do so love starting the week off with happy stories. Especially very old happy stories, thank you. It's like finding your past even if having to use a 23-and-me sample to identify and verify you are using a bonafide carboniferous era life form as opposed to a random chunk of ice.