You Want a Pucci Sundress, I Want A Human Dog Bedš¶Plus: Global Warming and Fun Airplane Facts
My only goal in life is to be a dog influencer.
As I write this at my kitchen table in the hinterlands of Ohio, itās December 3rd, itās 50 degrees outside, and Iām about to go to the grocery store to buy a giant hunk of beef and put it in a crockpot.
Because even though itās not noticeably winter yet, I want winter food. Hot, high-calorie, not-so-healthy winter food.
The recipe calls for turnips and parsnips. No thank you, demon tubers.
Now, Iāve gone biking in January before, so Iām not going to don my sackcloth and ashes (note to sackcloth manufacturers: Iām open to product endorsement) and start screeching āGLOBAL WARMINGā from my front porch.
That unseasonably warm January was in the early aughts and the internet wasnāt the all-encompassing hivemind it is today. We still used the word āunseasonableā and understood what that meant. I biked and I just felt lucky. I didnāt feel the bony hand of Death pushing me from behind.
All that we do, and say, and think now is run through the spin cycle of social media. A warm December in Ohio is a sign of the End Times. Herschel Walker is definitely a sign of the End Times.
Drew Carey used to do a bit in his standup routine where he pretended to spray an aerosol can and say, āScrew the grandkids, Iām cold now.ā
Gotta admit, I feel that.