We're Your Box of Home Hair Color And We're So Safe, You Wouldn't Believe It

As long as you follow our insanely detailed instructions and wear a HAZMAT suit.

Congratulations on your purchase of Pleasant and Simple “Natural” Home Hair Color!

(Our lawyers said we have to use quotation marks even though we contain no silicones, no parabens, and we’re vegan! We know that’s super important to approximately five people.)

Ooh, you picked “Medium Blonde”. Good choice. That means you’re not the type to have a midlife crisis and go full Annie Lennox. Also, in keeping with our “natural” mandate, we’re trying to keep our color descriptions as bland as humanly possible. We think we really hit the mark with that one.

We’ve also provided a handy scissors graphic on the end of the box. Clip the flap and save your shade, in case you can’t remember “Medium Blonde”! You don’t want to be roaming the aisles looking for something insane like “Nantucket Dunes” or “Tampico Sunrise” when what you really want is “Medium Blonde”.

Now, it’s super important that you perform the allergy test every single time—

Oh, you’re not going to do that because you’ve colored your hair lots of times before and nothing ever happened.

Well, that’s your decision, but you can’t say we didn’t warn you if you blow up like a pufferfish and hallucinate that David Attenborough is standing naked in your bathtub.

Okay, put on the plastic gloves right fucking now. We’re not even kidding. Those babies are going to be your best friends and possibly the only thing standing between you and maiming disfigurement as you try to meet impossible beauty standards meant for much, much younger women.

(You’ll note that our gloves are black because we’re edgy and cool. Also, we got a deal from the supplier because nobody else wanted black plastic gloves because they give off a weird, serial killer vibe.)

We recommend that you expose yourself to our probably carcinogenic formula… er, gentle, natural coloring agents… every four to six weeks. But if you’ve really let yourself go and it’s been more than three months since you tried to turn back the clock and color that Einsteinian mess you call hair, then follow these instructions exactly:

Snap off the tip of the developer bottle and immediately place your gloved finger over the opening. We’re not positive that the fumes will kill you faster than the mustard gas used in World War I, but we’re not taking any chances.

Now, squeeze the tube of colorant into the bottle of developer, put your finger over the tip, and shake the bottle AWAY FROM YOUR FACE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD for 60 seconds.

Starting one inch from your roots, saturate your hair with this concoction, and then for some reason that even we don’t understand, go back to the roots and put the color on them.

Total time should be 30 minutes for your lengths and 20 minutes for your roots, even though it takes 10 minutes just to get all of the solution through your hair but DON’T THINK ABOUT THAT, start timing the second the color hits your hair.

Use the tip of the bottle to separate your hair into 1/4-inch sections even though the color makes your hair a wet, tangled mat that could support a family of sea otters.

Do NOT massage the color into your scalp. Actually, it’s best if you don’t let the color touch your skin at all, even though you’re literally dousing your head in it and letting it marinate for 30 minutes like a pork chop.

And FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, do not get the color in your eyes, even though, yes, we know your hair is really close to your eyes and maybe we didn’t think this through very well when we decided that it’s a good idea to use horrifically dangerous chemicals to ever-so-slightly alter the color of your hair.

Now, IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, wearing the gloves, get in the shower and massage the color through your hair. Yes, we know we said you shouldn’t massage the color through your hair before, but that was then and this is now. So massage away.

Rinse until the water runs clear, which is going to require a good portion of Lake Mead.

Then, condition with our Super Duper Special Conditioner which will make a feeble effort to counteract the hideous damage we’ve just inflicted on your hair and leave it soft, shiny, and flat as a pancake. We call this look “The Afghan Hound”.

Your color should last 26 weeks, but for 25 of them, you’re going to look like Opie from the Andy Griffith Show because the reason you spend $200 at a salon is so that a professional can use toner to counteract the brassiness.

But you only wanted to spend $8.

You get what you pay for, Carrot Top.

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