To Save Money, We’ll Only Be Paying for the First Five Minutes of Your Anesthesia

This should really speed up surgeries

We here at Anthem Blue Cross have decided that, out of all the literally thousands of ways we could cut costs and save money for our subscribers, we’re going to stop paying for anesthesia during surgery.

How did we make this decision, you ask?

Well, first of all, our executives and high-level decision makers are complete morons. Drooling idiots. People who have never once watched a television show or understood even basic 8th-grade science.

The only thing they’ve managed to retain is that there was little or no anesthesia on Civil War battlefields and everybody seemed fine with that.

In fact, a skilled surgeon could amputate a leg in under two minutes.

Sometimes chloroform was used to knock the patient out. Rest assured that we’re looking into chloroform availability, the effectiveness of straight whisky, and also biting down on a leather strap.

All completely viable cost-saving measures that will ensure you, the consumer, feel less pain where it really matters — your pocket book.

Our decision is meant to incentivize speed. The faster your surgeon can get his hands in and out of your pulsating, quivering flesh bag, the better.

No more 12-hour open heart surgeries. We’re only going to pay for the first hour.

So if you can open up your own chest in preparation, preferably in your living room or in the car on the way over, we’d really appreciate that.

A saw only costs $25.99 at Home Depot, compared to the $159,000 it’s going to cost for a trained medical team to do it for you.

Just think of the savings!

We won’t be covering any anesthesia at all for cosmetic procedures, so you’re going to have to follow through with that plan to get your butt lifted in the back room of a tattoo parlor in Tijuana.

Just make sure you bring along a friend or loved one who can remember where they dumped your body if you don’t make it.

When you think about it, we here at Anthem Blue Cross are just encouraging you to love yourself the way God made you, even if it means only breathing out of one nostril because of that deviated septum.

And if your kidneys fail, maybe you should just take that as a sign that your time here on Earth is done, instead of using all that fancy-schmancy medical science to tack on another 20 or 30 years above ground.

Oh, and we’re also not going to cover meals during your hospital stay either.

It’s not like you were going to eat it anyway.

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