The Mustache Makes the Man

It’s amazing how much a few hairs can tell you about a person

For my birthday this year, I decided to to sleep on my side weird and now I can’t lift my right arm.

I’m just going to have to eat cake like a pig from a trough, or try to scoop it into my mouth with my left hand like a poorly operated claw machine at a carnival.

A former secretary at our office used to buy a cake on everybody’s birthdays, but now I just get a kick in the head.

I dreamed about my second husband and our dogs the other night. That always puts me in a bad mood for days.

He was a K-9 officer, so it’s always him AND our dogs.

I saw photos of him before we met where he had grown a mustache. Combined with his thousand-yard stare, he looked like a sexual predator.

And guess what? He was!

My boss, in his new-found bachelordom, has decided to comb his hair straight back and grow a mustache like Danny Trejo.

This is Danny Trejo:

To say I hate it is to put it mildly. I have a visceral reaction every time I look at him now.

He’s always been an ambulance chaser, but now he looks like an ambulance chaser who will steal the ambulance and then try to sell you a used ambulance.

He was telling me yesterday about his lawyer buddies who are getting $100,000-plus fees for divorces. The Judge is ordering assets liquidated with very few questions asked to pay the lawyers.

Those are divorce clients who own businesses and have major assets.

We don’t have clients who own businesses and have major assets, because (a) we’re not a “firm”, we’re just one guy in a small building with a broken Statue of Liberty lawn ornament; and (b) because he looks like that. ⬆️

Wearing a mustache makes the world instantly draw conclusions about your character.

Look at Hitler. He ruined that particular style for everybody.

Tom Selleck started a rage for a very particular style of mustache that most men can only dream of. That baby takes some testosterone.

On the opposite (like, waayyyyy opposite) end of the spectrum is John Waters.

Villains in early 1900s cinema always had a waxed mustache with curly ends that they could smooth while they hatched their evil schemes. The curly ends were the signifier.

Today’s rustic lumberjack bro culture can try to pull it off to their heart’s content, but I’m still going to associate a curled mustache with a movie villain.

Or a magician.

If you have a curled mustache, you better be wearing a top hat and a cape.

My boss insists he’s getting all kinds of compliments about his new look.

I think this is actually people being stunned into speechlessness and then struggling for something polite to say.

Nobody going into the barbershop and says, “Give me the Pancho Villa.”

I don’t know what’s up with my boss’s mustache, psychologically speaking. I just know I hate it.

If you want to look conniving and untrustworthy—so, like a lawyer—that’s the mustache for you.

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