First of all, let me just say that if you know that the title of this post is a play on a very famous quote, you and I are friends.
Second of all, I know I live in a rural area.
But it’s not “cornfields of Iowa” rural. It’s not Tornado Alley rural. It’s not Bigfoot sightings rural (unless you count that time I heard something coming up the road in the dark while the dog and I were outside and we almost knocked each other over trying to get back into the house. Yes, my dog would absolutely sacrifice me to a monster to save herself.).
However, it is, apparently, “teach young children how to stuff dead animals” rural.
Now, if you click on that banner on the library’s website (and the fact that this… seminar?… is being held at a library is just a whole nother topic) there’s a disclaimer that “no animals will be harmed” during the class.
I think/hope/pray that this is essentially just a very dark, disturbing Build-A-Bear workshop. The kids probably stuff a teddy bear or the Poly-Fil victim of their choice and mount it on a wooden plaque.
This is how serial killers are made.
Now, why kids would need to know how to do this, I do not know. And I have several, several thoughts on what this kind of thing is teaching these young, impressionable minds (except for the 12-graders who are just there hoping to pick up some tips for their Satanic rituals).
I’m fine with killing animals for food. Humans are carnivores and that’s just the way it is. We don’t have to be carnivores, but there’s a reason why bacon is delicious (okay, I feel bad about pigs because we used to raise pigs on the farm and they’re incredibly intelligent. Forget I mentioned bacon.).
And yes, I understand that taxidermy has enormous scientific value. There’s actually a great documentary about taxidermy called Stuffed (haha) if you’re into that kind of thing. I didn’t make it all the way through. The quirkiness level of the taxidermists goes to 11 and I called an audible.
Maybe there’s a shortage of taxidermists and this class is meant to encourage people to go into the trade? No, I’m not looking up the stats.
But as far as mounting dead animal heads on your wall over the big-screen TV and “trophy hunting”, I am solidly opposed. When my second ex-husband’s (yes, I’ve been married more times than Zsa Zsa Gabor) niece got married, I had the privilege of touring her home in Michigan which had not only the fancy Bath & Body Works handsoap to which I’m now addicted, but an entire wall covered in dead animals up to the peeled-log rafters.
You know what, Sparky? Unless you killed that bear with your bare hands, naked (you, not the bear. Well, the bear’s naked too but ANYWAY) unless you went full Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant, I’m not impressed and I can only assume you’re trying to make up for some physical deficit or feeling of inadequacy. Also, you’re a sociopath.
And what are the kids supposed to do with the resulting masterpiece? Put it on the refrigerator? Hang it in the living room next to Billy Bass? Put it up on the wall of their bedroom where its cold, haunted eyes can bore into them in the dark and fuel dreams that they’ll one day need a therapist to decode at $350 an hour?
WTF?
(As an aside, my parents had the brilliant idea of putting up a curtain instead of a door to the walk-in closet I had in my bedroom as a kid. Curtains move. A lot. Mostly because there’s a monster hiding behind them.)
The library class is labeled “arts and crafts”. Whatever happened to macrame? Everybody needs a good plant hanger or a rope owl. I just feel like taxidermy for children, even in jest, is kind of like bubble gum cigarettes — not a great idea once you think about it.
Anyway, here’s a video of my dog.
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Well you've nailed it - this "class" is absolutely terrifying. Perhaps more so, because the moose in the banner looks an awfully lot like Bullwinkle, the beloved cartoon moose of my misspent youth watching Rocky and Friends. Regarding the video of your dog, for a few seconds I worried that she was actually stuffed, but then the eyes moved. Whew!
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