Having woken up to yet again not winning $1.4 billion in the Powerball drawing (think of the cereal I could buy. I could buy all of it, all of the cereal.), I rejoiced that it was cold outside.
Last week it was 85 degrees. Today it’s 45 and windy, which makes it feel like 35 because science.
I like it cold. I mean, not bone-chilling, eyeball-freezing cold, but not hot.
When you’re hot, you can never get comfortable. You’re either sweating through your bra (at least some of us, anyway—no judging) or you’re rubbing your arms because the AC is on and now you’re freezing to death.
In the summer, there is no in-between. There’s no temperate zone to the globe that is my body.
But you can get warm. You can control your layerings and choice of fabrics—you can seek out heating aids if necessary, and you can usually at least be comfortable.
You can wear a hat, for example, if you’re lucky enough to be one of those people who can wear a hat.
I am not one of those people.
I bought something that Walmart calls “bandless ear warmers” but I think they were called Ear Pops or something like that back in the day (no, that’s not an affiliate link. Are you kidding me? Wayyyy too much work.)
The only problem is that I lose them, or I stuff them in a coat pocket and then have to play “Where are the ear things?” as I paw through every pocket of every coat I own.
But if I dare to wear a hat, multiple problems present themselves.
For one thing, I have stick-straight hair, which means there’s nothing for the hat to grab on to and it just slides up until I essentially look like I’m wearing a receptacle tip.
It’s not attractive.
So I’ve started wearing only hats with pom-poms on top, which again is a less than flattering look for a 56-year-old woman.
But it’s when I take off the hat that things go immediately sideways.
I know I look like a dandelion that’s having a panic attack, but let me explain.
I was wearing a hat.
It’s winter. My ears get cold. All of your body heat exits through the top of your head the minute you step outside.
All of it. (The science checks out. Don’t bother looking it up.)
Also, please don’t touch me. I am now essentially a human electric eel, capable of generating enough wattage to light a small city.
I am the worst superhero ever: Static Girl. If you dare to kiss me, even a quick peck on the lips, you will be tossed back several feet while shouting, “Shit!” at the top of your lungs. I won’t be happy about it, either.
That’s also why I have this lovely dent in my head. Because I was wearing a hat. Oh, the photos for the company directory are today? That’s just peachy.
I’m just going to put the hat back on. I don’t mind that I’ll be the only person in the directory wearing a Himalayan Sherpa beanie.
At least my ears will be warm.
Static Girl. Sounds like one of the second-rate wannabes in my fictional superhero universe. I'll remember that.
This made me howl with laughter. First of all I completely agree, cold I can deal with, not hot. Thank goodness I have live in San Diego for decades, which is pretty much the perfect in between. Of course that hasn't kept me from using a down comforter most of the year! But, I have that thin (getting thinner with age) straight (spent years perming it to give it some slight body--but age and Covid ended that stage in my life), and flyaway hair. If I put a bobby in or something else, like a scrunchy to get it out of my eyes, they slide right off. And any kind of wool cap, take it off, same thing you experience, electricity. However, I discovered felt fedora, pulled way down to my eyebrows, works for rain or chill....can't say cold, because that would be ridiculous to say living in SD, where it seldom even gets down to the low 50s at night. Thanks for the laugh out loud!