Is it wrong that my greatest aspiration is to live in a condominium in a leafy development that’s 20 minutes away from where I live now?
That’s it. That’s as big as I can dream.
I’m 55 years old, an only child taking care of my mom as she ages in place. And I mean, in place. She lives in a split-level on five acres of land that’s completely unmanageable for someone who’s elderly and incapacitated. And I’m not just talking about her — I’m talking about me, too.
I spent an hour this morning cleaning coyote poop off her back deck, which needed to be cleaned anyway and which is, BTW, a rotting death trap. But tell me — WHY WOULD A COYOTE POOP ON A DECK? Is that the new saying to replace, “Does a bear shit in the woods?”
Does a coyote poop on a deck?
Last year it was a deer with an apparent grudge and severe IBS. This year it’s a coyote. What’s next—an orca?
I guess my point is, is it wrong to dream so small? Is that a normal reaction to the passage of time, to shrink your dreams down like one of those sponge dinosaurs that fit in a plastic egg? And then, if your dreams happen to get wet—say, you win the lottery— they can spring to full size. And then you’ll have a full-size dream fulfilled.
I really just want to get away from ATV Guy. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Hey, neighbor!
I saw you out on your lawn picking dandelions like a psychopath, so I thought I’d stop and say hi!
I’m ATV Guy. That’s not my real name, but I know that’s how you think of me. My name is probably Tyler or Aaron or Chris, or some other name that makes you think of country music singers.
I’m the guy who lives down the street a little ways and has the giant diesel pickup truck, and the boat, and the zero-turn lawn mower, and the screaming kids, and the screaming wife, and the screaming dog.
That’s me.
I see you’re admiring my ATV. All real men have an ATV.
Here, sniff my armpit. I know you want to.
I don’t see a man around your place much. You must be a lesbian. I told my boys if I ever caught them with another boy, I’d break both their arms. Bingo, problem solved.
Now, I understand that ATVs have an actual purpose on farms and ranches, and for racing and whatnot, but since I live on an acre lot in a small township in Ohio, I really need to ride my ATV up and down the road, even though it’s illegal and I look like an escapee from Duck Dynasty.
I’m usually dressed in camouflage and have my boys in the back when I head off down the road and hang a right at the intersection to God knows where. The highway’s in that direction, so maybe I’m going to the highway? Maybe I drive my ATV up and down the highway with my kids in the back and play chicken with traffic?
More likely, I head for the woods somewhere and teach my boys how to use guns so they can protect themselves from other people with guns.
Now, you might think that the answer is for none of us to have guns so we don’t have to protect ourselves from other people with guns.
But you would be wrong. That’s hippie talk, is what that is.
Anyway, it’s fun to shoot defenseless animals and make loud noises and scream. Just ask my wife. She is super into my manliness. That’s why she screams so much, so she can make my kids manly, too.
The great thing about ATVs is that they almost never have a title, which means I can file bankruptcy and not disclose all of my assets even though this puppy cost $12,000. It’ll just be our little secret, okay?
Hey, do you mind if I park my boat over here? To be honest with you, things aren’t going that great. I drive a little, un-manly white transport van to work every day becauseI’ve got some kind of delivery job, maybe?
I don’t even know what I do, but I do know that I don’t make enough money to support my screaming kids and my screaming wife and my screaming dog and keep all of these he-man toys.
Wow, look at the time. Those deer ain’t gonna shoot themselves. I’m going to go have sex with my wife, scream a little, and then load up the kids and drive too fast up and down the road in my ATV.
It doesn’t get more manly than that.
"is it wrong to dream so small" — No. My 'Dreams' are tiny.
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