Look, little buddy, nobody’s inviting you to their birthday parties anymore for a reason.
It’s because every time you see a clown, you let out a blood-curdling scream.
This is ridiculous. When I was a kid, nobody was afraid of clowns. That wasn’t even a thing. Clowns are fun! Clowns are harmless! Clowns are almost never serial killers!
If I could go back in time, I’d give John Wayne Gacy a piece of my mind. For all the murdering, of course, but mostly for giving clowns a bad name.
Please, for the love of God, stop crying every time you see a clown.
I just read an article in the Washington Post about a study that somebody wasted a lot of money on to find out why people are afraid of clowns.
God bless America.
Let me paraphrase the article for you, free of charge:
People are stupid.
Apparently, there’s a name for how you feel about clowns. It’s called “coulrophobia.” Can you say “coulrophobia”? No, of course not. You’re five. I can’t even say “coulrophobia.”
Can you say, “People are stupid”? Good boy. You’re learning fast.
The study (and I use that term loosely) found that people are afraid of clowns because it’s hard to tell what they’re thinking under all that makeup. Maybe that’s why I was always afraid of Tammy Faye Bakker. I can’t even watch The Kardashians.
The study also found that people fear clowns because they’re “unpredictable.”
I hate to break this to anybody, but literally every person you will ever meet is unpredictable. You could be hit with a pie or squirted in the face with water — or way, way worse — at any moment. Trust no one, kid.
Yes, I agree that movie clowns have become pretty uniformly evil and terrifying due to Hollywood’s insatiable need for monsters. But again, you’re five years old and I really don’t think you’re in any position to blame your actions on Joaquin Phoenix or Bill Skarsgård.
I will grant you that even I don’t find clowns, with their big hair and the floppy clothes and all the compulsive juggling, to be very fun to watch. I’ve never been a clown person. I dislike mimes even more (yes, we get it, you’re in a box). But that doesn’t mean I scream at the top of my lungs in a crowded room every time I see one.
Screaming should be reserved for winning the lottery or seeing a spider.
So unless there’s clown-on-clown violence going on, please don’t scream. Don’t cry. Don’t pee your pants. Don’t grab my leg and try to climb me like a tree. Don’t hide under the table.
Toughen up, kid. You’re going to run into a lot of clowns.
Yes, you are going to run into a lot of clowns....and most of them don't wear makeup....