I’m going to put this here because I get a strong vibe that Substack is essentially entertainment-oriented. Yes, I know it wants to be highbrow and serious and very Judgment at Nuremberg, but it’s already smelling a little bit like an overripe banana around here, so let’s just enjoy it while it lasts, shall we?
(Over the years, I have tried to train my boss not to put banana peels in the tiny wastepaper basket under his desk, to no avail, because it’s a disgusting, filthy habit that should be punishable by death.)
And if this piece doesn’t interest you, you can always go watch Patti Smith do whatever it is that Patti Smith does, which is, essentially, be Patti Smith.
On today’s episode of Everybody Is Crazy And They Don’t Even Know It, we have a woman who is appalled, appalled, that nobody stopped at the side of a busy State Route to help her scrape up a dead cat which may or may not have been hers.
(It wasn’t.)
Now, I have scraped up more than a few dead animals in my time. But only because they’re, oh, say, blocking my driveway, or within stink radius of my home.
Sometimes you gotta do what ya gotta do.
This woman’s post about her exercise on the berm of an incredibly busy road spawned many, many tales of amateur carcass removal and how this is somehow a symptom of the general decline of civilization, which then devolved into stories about people laying across sidewalks and getting mad if you asked them if they needed help.
I have questions.
First of all, I’m amazed that nobody blamed Biden for the dead cat.
The replies were the usual, “Well, you can’t stop for anybody anymore because you might get shot.” Which is also known as the “Why I don’t have to take the time or effort to help anybody for any reason” excuse.
See, there is an upside to gun violence in America.
Second in line were the “You might get sued” excuses — always a favorite.
Somehow nobody has spoken up with the obvious reasons for the lack of deceased feline aid, or DFA, and those are:
(A) Nobody wants to help a crazy person scrape a dead cat off the highway;
and
(B) THIS IS WHAT THE HIGHWAY DEPARTMENT IS FOR.
Oh. My. God.
I know it’s not a great job, and I feel for the guys, but they’re county or state employees and they’re getting PERS and health benefits and vacation and overtime, so my heart isn’t exactly breaking every time I call them to come get a dead deer by the side of the road.
And the highway guys have all this fun stuff that they love to use. Like PPE, and big orange cones (which I really want to steal — no idea what I’d do with them, but I’ll think of something), and flashing lights, and fluorescent vests, and all the other things that will help prevent them from being flattened by a semi going 65 mph down SR 18.
And ignoring for the moment that 90% of roadkill will be gone within 24 hours because of carrion eaters who are thrilled, thrilled I tell ya, to take a dead cat off your hands.
The other replies were a hysterical (in a bad way) jumble of similar stories involving dead animal removal, including a poignant tale of moving a dead Canadian goose while its mate watched, which honestly, I didn’t need to read that.
But I did enjoy it when that particular Nextdoor user went full Hemingway:
The feel of the goose in my hands. Light and strong. I felt privileged to handle it.
For the love of God, woman, I hope you were wearing gloves.
Hahaha great post!
I too enjoy Nextdoor as entertainment: the amount of Ring doorbell posts is ridic. Although during the Covid lockdown I got some legit toilet paper sighting recs from Nextdoor and actually scored a few rolls now and then thanks to the kindness of neighbor postings.
As a community bulletin board Nextdoor has its moments of helpfulness but some posts devolve quickly into something approaching satire.
You think the Substack train is legit derailing? Obv I've expressed some concerns, and I think introducing social networking features carries big risks.
In a perfect world the platform's vibe would be a little more fun, but stop short of descending into madness. Our world ain't perfect.