My Review of the Acme® Do-It-Yourself CRISPR Gene Editing Kit I Ordered Online
What could possibly go wrong?
The minute I took the Acme® Do-It-Yourself CRISPR Gene Editing Kit out of the box and powered it up, a female voice with an Asian accent said “Bluetooth mode on” and then my guinea pig exploded.
One minute Waffles was just minding his own business, thinking about whatever it is guinea pigs think about, and the next he was a Waffles omelet.
“Want to know what this whole CRISPR thing is about?” the website had asked me good-naturedly. “Why it could revolutionize genetic engineering?”
“Sure, why not?” I answered, spraying wet Cheetos crumbs across my laptop.
The website also sold T-shirts that said things like “Biohacking Is Not Technically A Crime Yet” and “Make Genetically-Modified Super Humans, Not War.”
The first 18 pages of the Acme® Do-It-Yourself CRISPR Gene Editing Kit instruction manual were in pidgin English that sounded like a dictionary had been fed into a random quote generator. I was sure the command “FORBID TUMBLE DRY” would make sense as I went along.
In fact, the only sentence I completely understood in the entire booklet was on the last page where it said, “Good luck and God bless.”
While the Acme® Do-It-Yourself CRISPR Gene Editing Kit gurgled and hummed a catchy K-pop tune on my kitchen counter, I had to decide which gene exactly I wanted CRISPR to do its magic on.
But there are so many genes to choose from. Or so few. Really, I have no idea how many genes there are in the human body. I’m not even sure what a gene is. I think they might be those things that attacked the little submarine in Fantastic Voyage? Was that a gene?
To be completely honest, watching Fantastic Voyage 13 million times when I was a kid is the extent of my scientific training. Nevertheless, Acme® sent me their gene-editing kit without so much as a captcha.
No boxes to click promising I wouldn’t irreparably alter the human genome. No annoying “choose all of the pictures that contain traffic lights but only if it’s Wednesday in Nepal” to prove that I’m not a robot. Nada.
In the future — sorry, ignore the clicking noise. I’ve got a popcorn husk stuck in my mandible. So annoying — in the future, maybe more stringent guidelines should be employed before the kit ships. Maybe an IQ test? Maybe a security clearance from the Pentagon?
I have to admit that Acme® did state the kit was “only to be used on plant cells or the included bacteria.” I would tell you what page that was on, but it’s surprisingly difficult to read with compound eyes. Counterintuitive, amirite?
Give me a minute, I really need to find a sweater. I thought that being completely hairless like a baby Jeff Bezos would save me a lot of time in the morning — no more shaving! But I just feel every draft right down to my ovipositor.
Inserting my new CRISPR-Cas9 system using a process called DNA transfection (big words!) was not as much fun as, say, feasting on decaying flesh. Which, by the way, is my new favorite thing. The needle provided in the kit was super long and actually needed to penetrate my chest cavity, sort of like that scene with Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction. I faint at the sight of blood, so I was unconscious for at least three days.
After I came to and rocked my carapace upright (thank Gwyneth for all those Kegels!), all I could think about was feeding. You know how it is when you’re really hungover but a big greasy breakfast sounds good? Like that, but substitute a dead raccoon for the French Toast.
Anyway, when you try this at home, please schedule accordingly. Maybe do it over a long weekend so you have time to figure out how to get yoga pants on over a mesothorax.
And find out your employer’s policy about live crickets. Your new metabolism will mean lots of snacks!
Finally, have something yummy on hand for when you wake up — killing and eating that pizza delivery guy was not how I planned to spend my Tuesday night. Plus he forgot my cheesy bread.
I’ll give the Acme® Do-It-Yourself CRISPR Gene Editing Kit four out of five stars since I’ve been assured that I’ll receive a new, almost entirely normal guinea pig by FedEx priority overnight, no signature required.
Well that was certainly both fun and disturbing! :)
Congrats on the award, Bev! Fantastic!