It’s Time My Son’s Kindergarten Class Learned About the Miracle of Life Because This Home Birth is HAPPENING
We're going to need more towels.
Hey, everybody! I’m Tyler W’s mommy!
I hate to break into your Zoom class, but I’m having a teeny tiny emergency right now. I’m in labor! Who knows what labor is? Wow, Amanda, that’s right. You should probably think about becoming an OB/GYN. Oh, you have seven brothers and sisters. Well, that explains it.
I have to admit that I wasn’t totally prepared for this to happen right now. For one thing, we’re having the bathroom remodeled, so the bathtub is sitting outside in the driveway where the contractor left it. I think I saw a raccoon in it last night.
Even better, Tyler’s daddy decided to go on a golf outing to Bermuda with his work buddies. So I guess it’s just going to be me, my doula Trasee, and 27 kindergartners welcoming the newest member of our family into the world!
I’m just going to fill up this wading pool with water while we wait for Trasee to get here. She sounded pretty hungover on the phone so God only knows what condition she’s in.
Yes, Mikaelaia, it IS silly to see a garden hose in the living room, isn’t it? I’d giggle too if I wasn’t being torn apart by this little miracle trying to chew his way through my womb right now like Damien Omen VIII.
Who else has a wading pool at home? Raise your hands! Ooo, almost everybody!
Who has one that’s a lot bigger than this one, lives within five miles of here, and has a mommy or daddy who’s home and can strap it to the top of their car? Nobody?
You people are USELESS to me! Sorry, sorry, that’s the pain talking. Tyler’s mommy would really, really like a glass of mommy juice right now.
Some of you look a little nervous. Don’t be! It’s just like the slide at the water park! But instead of getting a concussion at the bottom, you get a baby!
Tyler, are these all the towels we have? Go get the towel off the dog’s bed. Yes, the one she threw up on yesterday. Beggars can’t be choosers.
WHERE ARE THE EPSOM SALTS?? What do you mean, “Daddy used them all”? How did he pull a muscle— lifting a beer? What the —
Yes, Miss Amy, language. I know. No, I don’t need you to call 911. This is going exactly the way I planned. It’s always been my dream to give birth in a Sponge Bob kiddie pool in front of 27 five-year-olds.
Women used to give birth in a field and then go right back to work, right? And since my employer doesn’t offer maternity leave, that’s exactly what I’m going to be doing.
Yes, Miss Amy, I can “at least turn the camera off, for the love of God.”
While we’re waiting for the pool to fill, maybe you kids can think of a name for Tyler’s little sister? Because with the bathroom remodel and everything, I just have not had the time.
I’m leaning towards Snickerdoodle, but maybe that was the puppy.
No, Miss Amy, I’m not making a lot of sense. Just wait until you get knocked up by your entrepreneur boyfriend and he can’t be there for the birth because he’s recording his podcast. Then we’ll see how much sense you make.
I’m just going to lie down in the pool now. Yes, the water’s ice-cold and the bottom is covered in algae, but this kid is going to come out fighting just like her namesake—seriously, guys, this is the best you could do?— Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
That cover image...
Roar! Seriously, if this is a screenplay it's serious competition for Monty Python's The Meaning of Life.