I’m Investing All of My Money in Companies That Make Iron Lungs
Which industries will go boom or bust in this new Age of Stupidity?
I don’t know about you, but I’m always on the lookout for the Next Big Thing, an industry that’s poised to take off and is just begging for me to hand over my hard-earned money.
Sure, I lost almost every penny I invested in crypto, but that’s because I didn’t have the guts to ride it out. I saw my account tanking faster than the Edmund Fitzgerald and I panicked.
But that doesn’t mean I should stop handing over my money to investment firms I’ve never heard of to buy stock I don’t understand. After all, that’s the American Way.
That’s why the government is going to put all of our strategic national reserves into Bitcoin and then watch it evaporate like a ghost in a Scooby-Doo cartoon.
But as a savvy investor, you might be asking yourself, “What sectors are going to benefit from all the mindboggling stupidity running rampant in the upper echelons of our once-great nation’s leadership?”
Here are some surefire bets that I think are ready to explode within the next few long, hellish years:
IRON LUNGS
Just when you think Robert F. Kennedy Jr. can’t get any crazier, we find out that in 2022, his “personal attorney … lobbied the Food and Drug Administration to revoke its approval of the polio vaccine.”
That’s why I’m pulling all of my money out of CDs and putting it straight into machines that will help polio victims continue to “live”, if you want to call it that.
Nobody remembers what it was like to be completely in the dark about how something as terrifying as polio was spread — was it in the air? Was it in swimming pools? It seemed to be more prevalent in the summertime, and in the 1940s and 1950s it would paralyze as many as 20,000 people a year.
A safe and easily administered vaccine was developed in the 1960s which effectively eradicated the disease.
But since the widespread myth that vaccines cause autism has taken hold, obliterating the much more logical and commonsense fact that we’re simply more aware of autism now and more able to diagnose the condition, nobody’s vaccinating their kids against polio anyway and we might as well get ahead of the curve by investing in iron lungs.
Buy yours today!
DENTISTRY
Everybody should be telling their kids to stop saying “mouths are gross” and get their asses into dental school ASAP because that’s where the big money is going to be.
You think orthodontists are living large now? Just wait until fluoride is removed from the water and little Johnny has the teeth of a 1940s Welsh coal miner.
If you want your kids to support you in the way to which you’ve become accustomed, they need to practice shoving their hands into a stranger’s mouth. Tell them to just pretend they’re driving a Lamborghini to the country club.
CHICKENS
No joke — I’m paying $5 for a commodity that was $1.50 just a few years ago.
How hard can it be? Build a coop, throw some corn down, and voila — eggs.
Plus, what other business allows you to fire your employees by eating them?
It feels like a rush into a modern dark age where belief trumps (pun intended or not) fact. What I feel is right is truer than what I know has been priven right. Hello ignorance my old friend.
"Nobody remembers what it was like . . ."
I remember. I got to go on the radio in 1953 with our school's donation to the "March of Dimes" a fund to end polio. We had someone in our neighborhood who had a mild case of polio. Other schools donated change and the radio announcers had the sound of the change as it went into the bucket. They gave me a check to donate so the announcer had to shake the bucket whenI gave them the check.
I'm sure we'll regress into some kind of not so light age in the next few decades, But China will save us.