If Chief Brody Had To Deal With Normal Small Town Bureaucracy In Jaws
Is that blood, or is it just red tape?
MAYOR VAUGHN: I’d like to call this council meeting to order. First on the agenda is the allocation of funds for the disposal of the Great White shark, affectionately known by some as “Bruce”, which is harming local tourism.
COUNCILMAN TURNER: And eating people.
MAYOR VAUGHN: Well, I’m more concerned with tourism, aren’t you, Bob? Isn’t your oldest going to college this year? It takes a lot of saltwater taffy to pay for college.
COUNCILMAN TURNER: Well, if Dee’s deadbeat ex would pay his child support on time, I wouldn’t have to sell so much taffy.
COUNCILMAN ADAMS: Wow, I’m sitting right here.
COUNCILMAN TURNER: Good, then you can just hand me that check. Oh, sure, look at those alligator arms. Can’t reach your wallet?
MAYOR VAUGHN [banging gavel]: Gentlemen! The shark?
COUNCILMAN ADAMS: I wouldn’t call Dee a shark —
COUNCILWOMAN DARBY: Parks and Rec has $500 still available in the budget, but we were hoping to put in another Portjohn at the ballfield. [pressing key on laptop] I just shared a spreadsheet with all of you—
[protesting mob begins chanting, “THEY’RE CHILDREN, NOT CHUM!”]
COUNCILMAN ADAMS: And we really need to pay somebody to sweep the beach for *coughs into fist* body parts.
[heads nodding thoughtfully]
MAYOR VAUGHN: Chief Brody, how much do you estimate it’s going to cost to hire a hubristic, vengeful, traumatized World War II vet to kill the shark?
CHIEF BRODY: $10,000.
MAYOR VAUGHN: Ouch. Talk about being eaten by a shark.
BETTY: Pursuant to the bylaws, you have to get at least three bids for all work orders over $1,000.
CHIEF BRODY: And I should really pay the oceanographer in something other than tequila.
BETTY: Not until he fills out a W-9.
[ambulance siren wails]
MAYOR VAUGHN: Chief Brody, are you prepared to dedicate 100% of your department’s resources to this project?
CHIEF BRODY: Well, Mayor, it’s an election year. I’ve got a lot on my plate. Hendricks is dropping leaflets door to door, and Ellen’s planning a potluck for the fundraiser at the Shady Seashell Shack.
[screaming in background]
COUNCILMAN PORTER [craning to look out window]: Is that five or six?
COUNCILWOMAN AMES: Are we counting pets?
MAYOR VAUGHN: When’s the next council meeting? Betty?
BETTY: We decided on bi-monthly.
MAYOR VAUGHN: I never know if that means every two months or every two weeks.
[general laughter while funeral procession slowly passes outside]
COUNCILMAN TURNER: I move to table the shark until the next council meeting.
COUNCILMAN AMES: I second.
MAYOR VAUGHN [bangs gavel]: Motion passed. Betty, what’s next on the agenda? Ah, yes, parking meters!
TINY BUBBLES:
I keep having thoughts that I don’t know what to do with, and yet I feel compelled to share (this is why I have no friends):
The phrase “red tape” dates from the early 16th century and refers to the red ribbons used to bind important legal documents, which of course then needed to be cut. Hence the phrase, “cutting through the red tape” when referring to bureaucratic obstacles.
This is why I donated $2 to Wikipedia.
This made me think of SCTV's "Jaws" parody....
Ahh beach towns, so much money to rake in for only 3 short months. Plus this shark is hurting my clam cake business! Let's call the marines saying we've had several foreign submarine sightings at our beaches.