Thanks for using me as your Uber driver today. There’s water and snacks in the seat pockets. Do you like the air freshener I used? It’s called Pine Forest At Night During Satanic Ritual. It smells like wood smoke and burning flesh. It’s very outdoorsy.
Before we head out, I think I should probably tell you that I’ve decided to become a hypermiler.
In case you didn’t know, a hypermiler is somebody who goes to extreme, sometimes even unsafe measures to maximize fuel efficiency.
With the way gas prices are right now, I think you can agree that this is the way to go. Also because it’s my car and I’m the one at the wheel, so.
One technique that I use a lot is coasting. It’s not really very hilly around here, so it’s hard to pick up much speed. I usually top out at around 35 mph. I hope you’re not in a hurry.
Oh, you’re trying to catch a last-minute flight to visit your dying father. Well, he’ll just have to wait.
The other thing about coasting is that it’s a little like riding on a very slow, nauseating roller coaster. There’s barf bags back there too.
I never like to hit my brakes because that really does a number on my mileage, so I’ve planned out all the stop signs and red lights in advance so I can roll through without actually coming to a complete stop.
All with your safety in mind, of course.
Also, I can only make right turns. That’s going to add about an hour to the trip.
Now, on the highway, the best way to reduce air resistance and thereby improve fuel efficiency is to take advantage of the slipstreams created by large trucks.
That means we’re going to be approximately one inch off the back bumper of a semi driven by an angry Uzbeki highballin’ it to Cleveland with a load of live pigs.
On the plus side, it improves my gas mileage by 50%.
On the negative side, if he stops suddenly we’re going to be wrapped around his back axle and he probably won’t even notice. Next thing you know, you’re getting buried in an unmarked grave in Wichita like my uncle Chilblain.
Look, I know it’s about 100 degrees in here, but air conditioning uses gas. No, you can’t open a window. It increases drag.
I also took all of your luggage out of the trunk and left it on your lawn. Too much weight. You need to travel light—you’ll thank me later when you find out your seatmate’s bag got rerouted to Bangkok.
I don’t think profanity is called for, sir.
I can send you a link to a site called Sustainable America that flat-out asks the question, “Will my hypermiling annoy other drivers?”
Of course it will. But only the drivers that also get annoyed by old people, women, Asians, POC, and literally anybody who’s driving in front of them.
They can fuck right off. I’m saving the planet here.
Wait, where are you going? DON’T FORGET TO TIP!
As a hybrid car owner, I'm afraid I'm that guy! I once achieved a 70mpg rate on a brief trip with lots of stop and go, and nobody behind me. This was before a tank of gas cost a kidney.
I need that air freshener. Are those sold at Target?