Homo Urbanis: How Humans Will Evolve to Survive Life in the Big City
Lizards are now evolving in real time in order to navigate the urban landscape. I'm sure that's nothing to worry about.
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This, as usual, was not what I was going to write about today.
I was going to write about my endoscopy (expensive and uneventful, and yet both funny and mortifying because God forbid I not keep up a running commentary no matter where I am). If the brain is awake, the mouth is moving. People love that, especially medical professionals.
But you can read about the endo tomorrow, or the next day, or the next day.
Like the old saying goes, “Another day, another newsletter you don’t remember signing up for in your inbox.”
My plans were waylaid by this article about how forest lizards are evolving with lightning speed in order to survive in the city.
Which makes sense. If a lizard can regrow not only its tail and legs, but also “… the lower jaw… large parts of its brain, parts of the heart, and other internal organs such as the pancreas and the kidney,” (from Journal How — holy crap), then we’re talking about animals that are capable of adapting in real time to massive changes in their environment.
Of course, the lizards that are the subject of the AP article have a very short lifespan, allowing for more rapid genomic turnover. But eventually, us slowpoke humans are going to catch up if we can just manage not to destroy the planet first. (Magic 8 Ball says: Don’t count on it.)
Some humans have already grown an extra head bone, or external occipital protuberance (WTF!!) because of smartphone usage.
I’ve got EOPE: external occipital protuberance envy.
Therefore, in the interest of scientific hypothecation, I would like to propose the following evolutionary adaptations that we, as city dwellers, really need to make like as soon as fucking possible in order to survive.
EXTRA EARS
Okay, yes, I just watched Crimes of the Future, the latest offering from David Cronenberg, and it’s just as disturbing as you’d expect. But he’s onto something with the Ears All Over His Body guy. Since everyone is wearing AirPods 24/7, we need another way to hear what’s going on around us, like screaming, or explosions.
What we need are more ears. The question is, where? I propose right smack dab in the middle of your forehead. What’s really going on there anyway? The forehead is a lot of blank space seeking a purpose other than being smacked cartoonishly. We’ll see how that goes and then maybe branch out from there.
THE ABILITY TO BLEND IN
If chameleons can do it, why can’t we? We’ve already got the technology for cloaking devices, but what we need is a way to biologically turn cement gray so we can blend in with our immediate surroundings in the event of, say, a mass shooting or a machete attack.
You don’t want to just play dead, you want to disappear into the sidewalk. That’s why everything I wear is monochrome and I foster a sickly Victorian pallor. No bright colors. Bright colors = target.
JUMPING
After a co-worker was almost killed by somebody on an e-bike, I’ve decided that the only answer is to develop the ability to jump at least six feet straight up. How else are we going to navigate narrow city sidewalks that are now basically a survival-of-the-nimblest scenario?
The only way is up.
Of course, this is going to require drastic changes to fashion in order to accommodate our new, kangaroo-like hindquarters, as well as radical acceptance of new beauty ideals.
And that’s also an excuse to grow a tail. WHO DOESN’T WANT A TAIL?
Crocs and sharks. You’re right, I never thought about that. I know we have a huge tick problem here because it’s not getting cold enough to kill them off.
One underappreciated aspect of climate change is following the ongoing mass extinction only "nuissance" species (e.g., rats, roaches, crocodilians, humans) will survive for a long, long time thereafter. I dare anyone to try to eradicate crocodilians. They outlived the goddamned dinosaurs, and they'll outlive us.