Cooper, You Missed Your Orthodontist Appointment!

Pfister Orthodontics misses you — and your parents’ money!

Oh no! It looks like COOPER missed an appointment with Dr. Dan Pfister on MONDAY, Aug 21 at 4:15 PM. Please contact our office to reschedule your appointment!

Surely this grave oversight will be fixed immediately, unlike Cooper’s crowded bicuspids which will need 108 office visits at the worst possible times, and if not remedied, will doom him to a life of mockery and manual labor.

We’re sure your boss, who doesn’t have kids, will understand that you have to leave work in the middle of the day every four to six weeks for the rest of your life.

Here’s a map to the office in case you still haven’t figured it out after three years.

Of course, we’re going to charge you for your missed visit. Dr. Dan’s timeshare in Cabo ain’t paying for itself. Plus he has his staff to think about, Dr. Lisa’s private Pilates instructor, and the guy he pays to take care of all these potted plants.

In addition, COOPER’S PARENT OR GUARDIAN, we’d like to take this opportunity to mention that we also offer OptiBrite® teeth whitening for adults, in case you need a little pick-me-up after that brutal divorce Cooper told us all about.

Kids really do say the darndest things.

We should also mention that we’ve decided, basically on a whim, to no longer accept your dental insurance.

As a convenient alternative, here’s an application for a CareCredit® account which comes with a very reasonable interest rate of 26%.

But there are other options! You own your own home, right? Don’t just sit on that equity! Use it to give your kids the American dream — straight teeth!

Sure, you were hoping to save for retirement or a nice vacation, maybe even their college educations! But since they’re all just going to be TikTok influencers and live with you forever anyway, your best bet is an investment in their teeth.

Those ring lights are brutal.

Keep in mind that every time COOPER misses an appointment, we tack on another two at the end, just because. The great thing about being a dental professional is that you really have no idea what we’re doing or why.

Remember that if COOPER loses his retainer during a Little League sleepover and doesn’t tell you, all of this is pointless and you might as well have thrown $10,000 right out the window.

The only thing you can do after that is — that’s right—veneers.

Every time somebody signs a contract for veneers, we drag out the blender and drink margaritas in the breakroom while Dr. Dan sings Bésame Mucho.

Thanks again for using PFISTER ORTHODONTICS, and while you’re busy arguing over which one of you was supposed to take him to his appointment, don’t forget to recommend us to all of COOPER’S little snaggle-toothed friends.

Smile!

---