I’m The Neighbor With 25 Wind Chimes Hanging On My Porch
Isn’t it soothing? I said, ISN’T IT SOOTHING?
Hey, neighbor! I see you standing on your front porch a lot staring fixedly at my house at all hours of the day and night.
I can only assume you’re admiring the 25 wind chimes I keep up year round. Aren’t they soothing?
Quick tip: You might want to take it easy when you slam your windows shut. That’s tough on the frames.
Let me tell you a little bit about these babies. These are called Fairy Bells. See how teeny tiny they are? A hummingbird fart can set them off. These tinkle so much I don’t even hear them anymore. Oh, you do? Aren’t they soothing?
I got these here at an antique store in Nevada. They’re radioactive. Put a Geiger counter next to these bad boys and it just explodes. Ha ha! Of course I’m kidding! But seriously, I wouldn’t touch those if I were you.
Now, these — yes, they are very large — I got these from a Tibetan monastery. I had to have my porch frame reinforced to withstand the weight.
Also, they’re haunted.
They came with some kind of flyer about possibly causing seizures in sensitive individuals because their frequencies are so low. You don’t actually hear them chime, you just feel it as a vibration in your hippocampus.
Oh, you’ve been having seizures? Well, I mean, you don’t know for sure that it’s the wind chimes. Wind chimes are normally very soothing. You should just go ahead with your brain scan and see what they say. Modern medicine can work miracles.
Hey, friend, not to be rude, but you look really tired. Maybe you should look into getting some wind chimes.
I don’t actually hear mine because I sleep with noise-cancelling head phones, two fans, and a sound machine.
What do you mean, “The road to Hell is paved with wind chimes”? I’ve never heard that one. That’s a new one on me.
Hey, stop pulling those down! Are you crazy? I bought those at Colonial Williamsburg in 1992. Those are little tricorn hats made out of faux bronze! And I got those over there at a Yankee Peddler festival, they’re recycled copper pipes — the guy swore they’re completely legal and there’s no way they were ripped out of vacant homes by meth addicts.
Okay, now, I’ve had just about enough. Get away from the dream catchers! Look, I’m going to call the pol-
Oh, feel that? The wind’s picking up. I said, THE WIND IS PICKING UP! JUST LISTEN TO THAT! ISN’T IT SOOTHING!?
To my neighbors who removed the mufflers from their motorcycles just to make them louder when they drive around at 4 AM, I am going to murder you. Maybe that isn’t as funny, but I’m not kidding.
I've been to that antique store in Nevada. That's where I got my black velvet painting of the Virgin Mary holding the baby Elvis. Priceless!