I Finally Bought the Trampoline I Was Never Allowed to Have as a Kid
And I'm never getting down.
When I was a kid, my mom would never let me have a trampoline.
I begged and begged and begged and begged and begged and begged and begged and begged and begged and begged and begged and begged, but the answer was always, “SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT THE TRAMPOLINE!”
So of course, now that I’m a 45-year-old adult with a job and a car and spousal support and intermittent erectile dysfunction (but only if I’ve been drinking, which is always), and I can afford to buy a house with a small but functional back yard, I finally get to have the trampoline I always wanted but could never have because my parents didn’t want me to “break my goddamn neck” and be a burden to them “for the rest of their goddamn lives.”
When I was looking at my potential new home, the owners were kind enough to let me walk around their lawn with a tape measure and a legal pad so I could be certain about the dimensions, trampoline-wise.
I didn’t even mind that the entire family, including the dog, was watching me through a slat in the blinds that the dad was holding down with his finger.
I got the trampoline before I even got furniture.
In fact, I still don’t have any furniture because the trampoline budget was larger than I anticipated, what with the professional skyscraper-grade leveling of the site, the building permits, and of course the top-of-the-line TRAMP 1000™.
The springs on that baby have a lifetime or three-year guarantee, whichever comes first.
Since we’ve all started working from home, I’ve devised an elaborate strategy for attending Zoom meetings without interrupting my daily 10-hour trampoline sessions.
I set up a camera on a 12-foot tripod normally used by African wildlife photographers and then give input to my team every three to five seconds, depending on local specific gravity and wind velocity.
At first, the other Zoom invitees commented negatively on my attire, which is a fluorescent orange and magenta nylon wing suit normally worn by BASE jumpers. I find it allows for greater vertical acceleration and peak bounce stabilization.
My colleagues were also somewhat hurtful about the bicycle helmet I’ve had since my junior year in college because the wing suit maxed out my credit card, but safety over fashion! Let’s see them execute a full Rudy while giving a PowerPoint presentation on the company’s plummeting market share.
Sometimes people ask me, “Hey, weirdo, why are you on your trampoline so much?” and “Don’t you have anything better to do, you freak?”
Clearly, this is jealousy talking.
In today’s world, who wouldn’t want to be lulled into a sort of waking coma by bouncing up and down for hours at a time? During the Middle Ages, monks bounced on trampolines as a way of being closer to God. Or maybe that was a Monty Python sketch.
The most difficult part of never getting off a trampoline is eating. But in the spirit of American ingenuity and through trial and error that involved only one brief visit to the ER to dislodge a Werther’s Original lodged in my trachea, I have determined that the perfect food to eat while bouncing on a trampoline is a smoked turkey leg. The handle’s built right in!
Unfortunately, the discarded bones have attracted a family of raccoons who sometimes leap onto the trampoline and attempt to wrestle the turkey leg from my grasp. One or two violent bounces are usually enough to send them flying into the shrubs.
Sure, bouncing up and down for 10, 12, or even 23 hours at a time looks easy, but there’s a reason why I now have enormous legs and spindly arms like a kangaroo.
Some people might find this repulsive, but it’s something you come to accept when you’re as devoted as I am to the Extreme Trampoline Lifestyle.
In fact, I’m thinking of putting together a magazine or maybe a podcast to share the ETL with others. We’ll tackle the tough issues, like how to handle aggressive wildlife, what to do if you have diarrhea in a wing suit, and how we feel about never having sex ever again.
"...intermittent erectile dysfunction (but only if I’ve been drinking, which is always)..." You obviously wrote this from a man's perspective. But they are the only ones who would think this was a good idea.
The food problem is no problem, simply wrap all foods in a bean-worthy-burrito flour tortilla, what could go wrong?
----------- In other more exciting news from N.E. Podunk, Ohio,; Air force investigators were called out to investigate UFO or UAP flashing and erratic dayglow moving lights in rural Podunk. Local residents reported moving lights following non-normal flight patterns. ------------------
I wonder, is this the tipping point where the ETs finally reveal their plan for us here on earth?