10 Completely Unscientific Ways to Lower Your Cholesterol
Take this with a grain of salt substitute.
I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV.
Sometimes I pretend to be one during naughty adult time, but let’s not talk about that right now.
Remember when everything was about cholesterol? Every article, every Dr. Oz video clip, every Sharecare list email that you don’t remember signing up for.
And then Trump got elected (the first time) and it’s like people don’t even think about their cholesterol anymore. Like they’ve got bigger things to worry about.
Like suddenly it’s OK to deep-fry Twinkies and eat them at midnight. I mean, if McDonald’s three times a day is good enough for our Commander in Chief, it’s good enough for me, right?
Well, if you’re a normal human being who still wants to live, even during this warm up to the Apocalypse, here are some ideas for lowering your cholesterol to something under the 500 mark so your doctor will shut the hell up about it.
Cotton balls. Back in the ’70s, before anorexia became “bad” and “something you should seek professional help for”, models would snack on cotton balls to stop the hideous Hell hound noises that were coming from their taut-as-a-drum-skin bellies. Cotton balls will soak up that cholesterol faster than a biscuit sops up bacon grease.
Yell at it. Beat yourself with a rolled-up magazine while yelling, “Bad, cholesterol! Bad, bad, bad!”
Therapy. First your cholesterol must want to change.
Meditation. Become one with your cholesterol. Imagine yourself floating down a river of hot oil astride a French fry. It’s like a delicious little kayak. Oh, is that Donut Island? Guide your French fry kayak over to Donut Island. Beach yourself upon its shores like the fat, pathetic whale that you are. This is nice.
CBD oil. It’s worth a try, right? Imma go take a lil nap.
Massage. I bet the Swedes have a massage that wrings the cholesterol right out of you like you’re a wet washrag. Some Golden God named Sven picks you up and throws you repeatedly against a wall, leaving a grease stain like the bottom of a pizza delivery box.
Ghost it. Don’t return any of cholesterol’s texts or calls or emails. Most importantly, do not answer when cholesterol is knocking on your apartment door at 1:00 a.m. drunkenly yelling, “You owe me an explanation!” I will eventually — I mean, cholesterol will eventually sober up and go home.
Eat nothing but food you have grown yourself. Judging by the health of your houseplants, you should have that cholesterol down to the negative numbers in no time.
Die. Studies show that dead people, without exception, have cholesterol levels that are within a normal, healthy range.
I know the title says 10, but I’m a notorious liar. Also, my cholesterol is perfectly fine. My doctor said I have the best cholesterol he’s ever seen. Very good cholesterol.
He gave me a prescription for donuts, that’s how good it is.
Instrux unclear, now I can't yell at the cotton balls my Swede therapist is massaging out with CBD oil because I'm already dead.
I like donuts. I shall try.